TAP, or Really? That's all I get??

While I've often felt excluded by restaurants with meat-heavy menus, I've never felt that I'd actually been punished until I patronized TAP a few evenings ago. When our waiter described some of the vegetarian offerings, he spoke slowly in the way that many people speak to children or the mentally infirm.

"Yeeees we have lots of great saaaaalads..." Oooh a salad, lucky me! Oh wait, I forgot that I was hungry and was a rabbit in my previous life, not this one. So waiterman, what else is there?

"Ohhhh weellll we have a speciaaaaal veggie plate prepared by our chefs every eeeeevening with the daily vegetable ravioli" (ed. note: on the menu this "special ravioli" normally resides underneath a pork chop which retails $18). Now, I have been to TAP twice. The first time I went, I fell hook, line, and sinker for this supposed "veggie plate." It's special! It's homemade! It's veggie! It's...only THREE ravioli??? And it's TWELVE DOLLARS???? WHAT??? This was my reaction upon getting the bill on my first visit, because my lovely waitress didn't inform me that the ravioli were $4 a piece. And that two ravioli equaled a pork entree. I should have realized that I'd been punk'd, and that they don't have any "veggie plates." I just thought it was weird that I paid more than my friends who got heaping platefuls of food. I was a dupe.

However, once bitten, twice shy so I did not order that catastrophe again. Nor did I order the rabbit fodder, which was fortunate as the waiter informed Susannah that "cobb salad" was really a euphemism for a few leaves of lettuce. I instead chose to order two of the small plates (the only two non-salad veg ones), as there were no entrees to speak of unless I really wanted to meet Ashton again. The last time I'd ordered the tomini cheese and tomato jam plate and loved it, so I ordered that again. To supplement that, I also ordered a hummus plate. When the food arrived, as Susannah was pondering how she was going to eat all of her gigantic burger and heaping mound of shoestring fries, I looked down and contemplated my little cheese plate. I was at first bemused, and then so angry I had to take a deep breath. What was on my plate that horrified me so? NOTHING. I kid you not when I say that there was a little hunk of cheese, a shotglass-worth of tomato jam, and a slice of bread cut into two half-pieces. The picture was taken after one bite of bread and cheese. I could just picture the chefs in the kitchen saying "HA! PUNK'D AGAIN! Hahahaha!" They'd even forgotten my hummus plate, which I had to ask for after the monumental task of finishing my slice of white bread. When it arrived, I once again felt insulted when I discovered that while they had provided me with an ample dish of hummus, I had only paper-thin fried pitas or whatever that crumbled when you tried to dip them into the hummus. And of course were stale. Not even the hummus was good, as it was over sweet and yet still bland. I think at this point I grew so despondent that my hunger vanished and I could only look at the plates on our table with viciousness in my heart.

Now, here's the funny thing. I've read review after review saying that this place was great and that almost everything was good. And in fact, everything my meat-eating friends got they enjoyed immensely. This, my friends, is the very reason why this blog exists in the first place. If you are an anorexic vegetarian or are suffering from a stomach flu, then I suppose you won't have such a hard time there. You can go with my friends, as they would go back in a heartbeat to sample the delicious fare. I, however, won't be joining you.

Would I Go Back: Uh, HELLLL NO! Perhaps if we were just going for drinks I would consider it, as they have 20 beers on TAP (get it? hahaha hilarious). Also, they have a really nice outdoor patio area which can be quite pleasant in nice weather, though gets a little loud as it overlooks scenic Peachtree Street. The catch is that half the people working there seem to have no idea that they actually showed up for work that day and have responsibilities. In our case, the outdoor hostesses (two!) abandoned their post for nearly 20 minutes even though a table had opened up and we were next on the list. We had to go inside and ask the indoor hostess to seat us. I think I should get paid for that since the outdoor waitresses were getting paid for alternately disappearing and chatting up middle aged drunk guys.

Other Vegetarian Options: HAHAHAHAHHAHAH that's a good one.

Atmosphere: Again, the outdoor patio is quite nice if you can barter your way into a table. The inside looked cool, but it was cold and dark and loud. Also the bathrooms are up two flights of stairs (yes, at a place with 20 beers on tap they decided to make people scale dangerous heights to pee, SMART), and all the way in the back corner behind the kitchen. Seriously. You may as well just find a bush. Also they aren't adequately marked as both I and the man I walked in on went into the wrong restrooms (he told me this on the way out).

Website: http://www.tapat1180.com

Highland Bakery: Brunch Edition

There is nothing so sensational, so satisfying, and yet so elusive as a perfect cup of coffee at brunch. To many, this would seem a given. Brunch, one would assume, should come complete with the kind of coffee that goes down so smooth that one doesn't mind drinking after noon. That when you close your eyes, it evokes balmy tropical breezes from its native clime. mmm...

Unfortunately, I've only experienced coffee that good at two brunch facilitators in town: East Atlanta's superb Radial Cafe and today's pick, Highland Bakery.

First and foremost, the place is slammed on Sundays. Go prepared to wait half and hour, and even after that our waiter was still pretty slow. He was very congenial, but clearly overbooked. This was probably good though, because I'd already blown through my second cup of coffee before we'd even been seated 10 minutes (thankfully the coffee urns are made available for those waiting in line, though this could turn into a problem for those of us with low caffeine thresholds).

While in line for our cups of joe, we wandered over to the little muffinarium where the mini muffins were corralled. This proved fateful, as we could not get over how cute and tasty-looking they were and promptly ordered them as our "breakfast starter." I'm not even going to get started on how fat America is getting when we need appetizers for breakfast, that's another blog. I will say that some of the muffins were positively scrumptious (the honey wheat/maybe cranberry/really plain one was our favorite, though the banana nut and bran/carrot were close seconds) and would be perfect for high tea. I'd eat the blueberry muffin with coffee though, as it tastes exactly like a blueberry donut, which is either awesome or a little gross.

Next came my entree, and I must say I had a devil of a time choosing from the expansive menu since everything sounded good. I highly recommend just going to the website and reading through the menu if you are in the mood for some food porn. Anyway, I ultimately chose an egg and cheese breakfast sandwich and a cup of fruit because I thought it might be lighter and I knew we were getting our "starter." Now, I must admit, I thought I was ordering my sandwich on rosemary and garlic ciabatta bread, however this was not the case and apparently I dun't reed so gud . It was just regular bread with rosemary and garlic, and it was a little boring. The cheese was melted well, but there was a large amount of egg, so I would have liked a touch more cheese. I would try it again, but with a different bread. I had been recommended the jalapeno focaccia, and I should have taken the suggestion. What's done is done, but I certainly was envious of Susannah's open-faced breakfast BLT. Now, clearly I'm ignoring the bacon here, but the rest of it looked pretty good. Best of all, it came with some of the best (non-grandmother) grits I've ever had. They were simply seasoned, but the taste and texture came together perfectly into an understated elegance. My side was also quite good, as the fruit was both ripe and varied. We also split a biscuit (which of course we were too full to eat more than a few bites of) and it was buttery and flaky and good. My only recommendation would be to have better jellies/preserves, because all we were offered was the little packets that you get at Cracker Barrel. I'm sure there is a person locally that would sell them some homemade stuff and then could sell it in the bakery. It cheapened the experience of the biscuit to be paired with such inferiority.

Overall the sides probably bowled me over more than the main dishes, but I would be more than willing to try every other vegetarian thing on the menu (which was most everything) in pursuit of entree excellence. Yes, it looked that good.

Would I Go Back: Yes. The coffee alone was worth it, but the delectable little muffins and baked goods are worth the drive as well. I can't wait to go back and try everything else!

Other Vegetarian Options: Er, just about everything was vegetarian. When I go next time I will either go for the Burrito de Huevos, Cowboy Benedict (black bean quesadillas with egg and hollandaise on top), or the Ricotta Pancakes, or the...you get it. Read the menu!
Atmosphere: The inside looked a little cramped and was a touch hot, but I went during the heat wave which thankfully has abated. We ate outside which was pleasant and not as loud. If we had been inside, however, we could have checked out the baked good offerings a little more closely and probably would have gone home with something. So, toss up.

Website: http://www.highlandbakery.com/